Sometimes we feel like we don’t know, but we do. That feeling of indecisiveness is sometimes a leaning toward people pleasing.
“What will they think of me if I say no?”
“Can’t I tolerate this and just say yes?”
“How hard will it really be to add one more thing on my plate or one more person to the list?”
It will be really hard if we don’t want our impact and effectiveness diluted and destiny delayed.
I brought in the new year reading Kim Perell’s Jump. It was a perfectly timed read. In chapter 4, “The Power of Decision-Making,” she writes about the powerful bit of advice her mom gave her when she was dealing with indecision: “Maybe means no.”
Your gut. Your intuition. Your Holy Spirit. Trust it. Trust Him. You know when you are not feeling open to the options in front of you. You know a no when you feel it.
I know, for me, I have a no in my spirit way more than I express it.
CONFESSION TIME
I feel that, over the years, I’ve watered down my effectiveness and impact by not saying no enough. I fear being seen as my true, driven, impatient, no-nonsense, A-type, fiercely independent self. You may be thinking you see all this in me, but, oh, you have no idea. I have a no in my spirit way more than I express.
I’ve been trying to be nice and acceptable, knowing how intense and, um, particular, discriminating I can be. My standards and expectations are through the roof. I’ve tried to keep this woman under wraps, but doing so is holding me back. Its killing the impact I desire to have. It’s delaying the success of the people I live with, work with, and serve.
I’m a good person by the grace and mercy of God, but this “niceness” is a societal expectation that I just don’t want to be hindered by anymore. My maybes are my wrestling with how other people will perceive me. When my maybes turn to yeses, I get overwhelmed, overworked, exhausted, resentful, my brilliance and creativity plummet, and my well of enthusiasm and passion is depleted. That person, task, or opportunity got my yes, but they didn’t get the best of me.
Let me insert that I often start with no, then people don’t take my no for my answer (we’re all sort of trained to get past the no) and I allow them to whittle me down to a half-yes. That’s my fault. I own that.
I don’t want to live “nice” anymore. I’ve understood through the analysis of the several personality and temperament test that I have a nontraditional female personality type. I’ve always been different. There was a time in my life where this difference was not seen as a gift but as a problem, as something that needed changing. I’ve always kind of liked me, but I also kind of wished I were more like other people. Being in situations where people wanted me to be more like this or that, caused me to struggle with the power that comes with my uniqueness.
In 2022, I’m letting that and the maybes go.
Answering the Call to LivE More AUTHENTICALLY
I may have gone all around the bend with this point, but decisiveness is precision. Being in the right relationships with the right people, being at the right place at the right time, and being fully present to live and enjoy living are all about decisiveness. And decisiveness is all about awareness of and confidence in who you are.
I want to flex the fullness and power of who I was uniquely created to be. I can’t get there wavering on decisions I know are a no, clouding my mind, my days, and my to-do list with half-yeses, diluting my results and blurring the path to things I really want to be and give to myself, others, and the world. This year, I’m taking steps to end that cycle.
What about you? You ever find yourself wrestling between who you are and who you think people want you to be? What do you do in those situations—stay true to yourself or do what you think people think you should do?
As independent and private as I am, it’s hard for me to admit how I’ve allowed people’s thoughts about me to shape my decisions, my calendar, and by extension, my life.
Much of my life indicates a level of thinking differently and doing things many people won’t, there’s still another level of confidence and authenticity I am feeling called to live.
Do you sense this calling too? Would you dare to live in a place where you know your yeas mean yea and your nos—and maybes—mean no?
If so, here’s to our no—a complete, liberating sentence that frees us from settling for less than we wanted and the less-than we hoped to be, give, or receive.
Cheers!
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A version of this article was published on my Instagram channel on Sunday, January 1, 2022.